Thinking

I have been stuck, not in the past but just stuck.

I wanted to have another baby. Heavenly Father blessed me with another one and I couldn't have been happier. However, I lost my sweet Johanna. A week after that I was rushed to the E.R. and came close to dying. I leaned on my Testimony of Jesus Christ and seemed to move on. I still wanted another baby but was torn. I prayed for guidance and help. One night during my prayer I felt it was time to try again. I told Kevin with reluctance. He was not ready to see me so sick or so close to death. We left it up to the Lord. Shortly after, I was expecting again. I couldn't believe it. An answer to prayer and a miracle I thought. This didn't last and I lost Jeannie. I needed to tie my tubes at this time for my health. I know that this is what I was to do but I was so sad and ANGRY. At times I felt that my body betrayed me. I am still working on overcoming my human emotions toward these events. I think I'm doing o.k. and then something triggers my sadness. My time between each one is lessening.

I am not sure what to say at the moment. I am working on things to improve my life and my family. The wellness challenge at church has really helped. I feel better inside. My focus has always been my kids but I'm taking an even bigger part in helping them grow and to learn. We are focusing on our extended family as well. I want to be a closer family. Things happen for a reason. However, we don't always get to know what those reasons are. That is a principle of Faith and I am working on that everyday.

I am not sharing this for you to feel sorry for me. I writing this to perhaps help me grieve and move on a little bit more today. Maybe my story will help someone else one day. Maybe....